New Blog

Well as this journey ended a new one has begun. I've started a new blog about my life as it has changed and how I'm making things work..."It's My Life".

Service

We had Ron's memorial yesterday, it was so beautiful and full of joy. I know that by the blood of Jesus Ron is saved and celebrating in Heaven. I miss him terribly and know I will until I see him again, but I have such peace knowing that soon we will be together for eternity.

All of my 7 brothers and sisters have been by my side this week, I'm so thankful for all of them...God blessed me with such an amazing family. I'm heading out of town for a couple of weeks, kind of like adult running away from home....but I am taking Michaela and the dog with me...oh and it is to my sister and brother-in-law's place...okay it isn't like running away at all.

Thank you all for your prayers!!!

Ron's Passing

Ron passed away today at 8:35am. He was peaceful and I was by his side.

I will miss him until we are together again!!

Update

Well Ron continues to fight, he is such a strong man. He still can't hear or see, but is able to tell us what he needs or asks questions that we can nod or shake his head yes or no.

He is eating and drinking really well, I think that is really keeping him strong...he has such a fight to live.

I'm still staying at the hospital with him, they brought in a bed for me so I didn't have to sleep on the couch anymore...unless Michaela stays with us then she wants the bed.

Oh and one night in the hospital parking lot last week someone smashed in my van windows and stole my CDs (they were all Christian music so maybe they will do them some good), can you believe that...getting it all fixed up though. My church has offered to replace my CDs...I thought that was so sweet!! To be honest I didn't care about the van or the CDs things can always be replaced, it is amazing how little I cared, I was more concerned about the time it would take away from Ron.

We are all doing as well as we can and spending a lot of time in prayer and just being with Ron. Even while in a hospital bed I still look at him as the same handsome, strong man that I fell in love with and continue to love with all my heart!!

The Journey

Once again I have to post about the end of this journey. Ron has been in the hospital for the last week after a very rapid decline. He became quite weak and has lost his hearing, quite a devastating turn for someone who also lost his sight.

The CT Scan showed that the tumor has grown substantially, the Dr. called it a monster. He sleeps most of the time, but we do still find ways to communicate.

We know the end is near and we just have to wait and be with him. I'm so angry, sad, hurt and brokenhearted.

I've talked to Michaela about what is going on, she has taken things quite well...she is sad but knows that her daddy will always be with her.

Thank you all for your prayers, I know Ron isn't in any pain and he is at peace...I'm so thankful for that blessing.

Seizures and Ranting!!

Seizures are awful...they completely take everything out of Ron.

We have tried to control them with medication but he still has them when he is stressed. He had a doctor's appointment yesterday and he was doing great, got to the van really strong. Then in the doctor's office he had a seizure...I feel so helpless when these happen. He was feeling good so we got him in his wheelchair and back home...then I couldn't get him in the house. I had one of our neighbours come and get him up the stairs in his wheelchair...praise God Chris was home!!!

There are times when I'm so angry, as if it isn't bad enough that Ron has cancer...but he is also blind, can't walk unassisted, has seizures and gets so confused. I'm not sure why we are going through this, it is so hard to see Ron like this. Some days the blessings aren't so clear.

I look at our life and what is has become, I would never believe that something like this has happened to us. I long for the days when we could just go for a walk, go for a drive, have a picnic...just be a normal family. I never realized how much I took the simple pleasures in life for granted.

This is a pretty downer post, but I'm not feeling so positive today. I try and always sound positive to Ron, but sometimes I just like to let things out.

Chemo

Ron's chemo finished on Sunday, it wasn't as easy this month as it has been. I understand that the drug can build up in the body, that would explain this month. Ron was a bit nauseous (never happened before), and really really tired.

When anything different happens I go through the fear that something is changing with is tumor. He has been sleeping quite a bit lately and if it continues I think I'll have to call the doctor, I'm thinking that it is still from his chemo...but I hope it doesn't continue too much longer.

I had a wonderful visit with my sister this weekend, I was so sad when she left...I just love my family. They have been such a huge support system going through all of this.

Just a short post today, not too much else going on.

Ups and Downs

Wow I'm about done with this roller coaster!!

I haven't posted anything in a while, sometimes I feel like all I want to do is whine about what is going on...then sometimes things seem pretty good.

Today had everything in it...the weather has been so amazing the last couple of days and Ron loves to get out on the deck and enjoy the fresh air. Today I got him a lounger so he'd be more comfortable...he loved it. We were able to spend the afternoon together outside, Michaela playing on her swing set, me planting some flowers and Ron relaxing. We BBQ'd for dinner and ate outside...it was great. Then getting Ron back in the house was quite an ordeal. He was feeling pretty weak so it took us a while to get him to his recliner ( he had to use his walker to get there). Then at bedtime it took a few attempts to get there, the weakness is tough to deal with. Ron is a big guy and when he goes down I can't do that much to help him. It is so hard to see him like that, he gets so confused at the same time...tough to deal with.

We are starting his 3rd cycle of chemo this Wednesday, it takes a lot out of him but at least he doesn't get nauseous.

The best is my sister is coming to visit me this weekend...I'm so excited to see her again (she lives on Vancouver Island). She has been such an amazing spiritual support to me during this time. We're going to have a big BBQ on Sunday while she is here...I just love when my family comes to visit!!

Well I think I'll leave it on this high note...Good Night!!

Relay for Life

Wow what an amazing day. Ron was able to make it out for the first lap of the relay, it is for Survivors and People Living with Cancer. My brother, SIL, niece, and two sisters came out to support Ron...it was so amazing.





It was such an emotional morning, Ron got to see so many people he hasn't spoken to since he's gotten sick. His Doctor did the opening speech and even said during it how pleased he was that Ron was able to make it. We got a ton of pictures, here is one of Ron with his mom (who is also a survivor) and Michaela.

Ron said this was the best day he's had since he got sick...wow that really brought tears to my eyes. There were so many people out to see him, he is so loved by so many people...I mean who visits their bank manager when he is sick!! One of his customers said she loves him like he was one of her children...Ron's boss actually flew up from Kamloops to participate.

This is an event that we have been involved in for so many years and we've always enjoyed it, it is amazing the significance it takes on when you are so affected by cancer.

Ron said the best thing to some of the girls he works with, he said don't ever take for granted the things you have. You never know when something like this could affect your life, we all hope and pray never.


Oh and an amazing thing happened while we were there. They had a draw for everyone registered for the first lap and Ron won a 4 day Pacific Coastal "Survivors at Sea" Cruise. Isn't that awesome, I'm not sure where it goes but we take off from Seattle so it includes our airfare to Vancouver and hotel and a shuttle to Seattle to get on the ship. So I told Ron that he had better be feeling better by then because I want to go!!!

It continually amazing me that even while we are going through something has horrible as this God still blesses us...I know some people may have a hard time seeing it...but we are so blessed by so many things!!

Good Day

Well today was a good day.

After lunch I was able to take Ron out for a bit, we went to Canadian Tire (yeah I know really exiting), best of all he was able to go to the bank and visit. For those who don't know, Ron is the manager of the CIBC (Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce) here. He was quite emotional when we got there, he hasn't been there since he became sick.

We did have a bit of a stumble when I was getting him back in the van, luckily a fellow driving by came and helped me get him in. Other than that no problems and Ron felt so good getting out and doing something. He didn't even have a problem getting up the stairs into the house.

He has finished his second round of chemo, the Dr. has said he will be doing twelve cycles...so this is just the beginning. We did start a new anti seizure medication last week just to try and keep the breakthrough seizures under control...so far it has worked wonders...no seizures since last Thursday!!

This Saturday we have the Relay for Life, the bank's team is Rockin' Ronnies Runners. We are really looking forward to it...hopefully the weather will be nice that day. Ron and I will be walking the first lap for cancer survivors, those in the battle and caregivers.

Please continue to hold Ron up in prayer, especially for his eyesight, he is really struggling with that.

Forgiveness

The beginning of this journey started with intense anger...not because of Ron's tumor but because of an uncaring doctor who repeatedly told Ron his headaches were caused by stress.

Last night Ron and I were talking about this and whether or not it was worth our while to seek legal advise. I was talking to a wonder friend about this today and she gave me some very good advise...forgive him.

We have held on to this anger for months now, I think it is time to let it go. Keeping such bitterness in our hearts really holds us back from growing in our faith and truly holds Ron back from God's healing touch.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Missing my Life

I think there are times where I'm too positive...I know, I know...how can you be too positive.

I'm always the one who says things are great, Ron is doing so well...everything is just wonderful. It isn't always that way...today was one of those days. Ron had a seizure when we were heading out in the afternoon, we went for a walk yesterday and it was great... he didn't make it out today. My brother and his family were here for dinner tonight and Ron was really fighting a seizure...he didn't go right into it but came pretty close.

It is hard, it is so hard to watch a once strong man who took care of his family have to be helped up and back into a chair. The fact that he can't be left on his own because of his blindness and mobility issues. It is hard to try and balance myself between my daughter and my husband. Trying to see that Michaela doesn't miss too much because of Ron's illness I don't want her resenting her daddy because she can't do some things.

Don't get me wrong, I know all of the things I have to be thankful for. I have a loving supportive family, a wonderful church family and a loving caring God. But I miss my life from 6 months ago, I miss what we had, I miss being carefree...I miss Ron.

Relaxing

Well tonight we are just relaxing. Ron is listening to the hockey game and I'm just sitting enjoying the fact that I can use the laptop to access the internet again (so are several Ebay sellers)!!

We have had a great first week at home, I've had a few "poor me" moments but after some prayer I begin to feel better about things. We are so fortunate to be home, Ron is feeling good and is actually feeling seizures come so he is better able to control them. One of Ron's home support workers actually connected him to a woman in a town near us who has the same type of brain tumor...that is an amazing gift from God. He finally has someone to talk to that he can relate to, he doesn't feel so alone in this.

I've had so much help this week, my sister was here to help organize my family room...trying to get rid of Michaela's old toys. My brother stayed with Ron while we were downstairs...my friend's kids came and took Michaela to the park one afternoon. I'm so fortunate to have so many people in my life there for us...now if only I had a friend to help me organize my food cupboard.

Well I guess I should get down and finish some laundry!!

Being Home

Well we've been home for 6 days now and it has been wonderful. We did hit a speedbump on Monday, Ron had a siezure and I had to call the ambulance. We were in emerg for a few hours and then we were able to come home. Just an extra shot of dilantin and we were on our way. We had really been pushing things with Ron and I think that is what happened, now we're taking things a bit easier.

I've been so busy running around the house answering Ron and Michaela's calls...plus organizing a house that I haven't been in for a few months!! But it is so nice to get things done...and now I finally have my laptop working so I don't need to run up and downstairs to get online.

Anyway I will be able to update this blog much more often now.

I truly appreciate all of your prayers...please keep them coming

Coming Home

Well tomorrow we'll be coming home. The doctor has said Ron is able to come home!! WooHoo!!

We will have home support come in to help and he will need some aid getting around...but it will be so nice to be home again. Ron has lost his sight, we are praying that it will come back but we just don't know what will happen. He is getting stronger every day and is feeling very good!

He finished his first round of chemo (5 more to go), he had no side effects...truly an answer to prayer.

Well I'd better get back to the hospital...one more sleep!!!

God is Good

I haven't been able to post too often, they don't have wireless internet at the hospital here and since I spend about 23 hours a day there it doesn't leave much time to do anything at home (other than shower and change clothes).

Ron continues to improve, it is amazing to see him getting stronger each day. He isn't able to see right now, we are having the elders from our church come by today and pray over him for his sight. He will be starting chemotherapy Monday, which is a huge answer to prayer.

Our faith has brought us so far and God continues to deliver. Ron has to rebuild his muscle strength to become more mobile, but this is all to do with being bed ridden for the last month....he will get there!!!

Please continue to pray!!

Still Around

Well I haven't been able to post lately, things have been pretty busy. Ron has been doing pretty well, we were able to return to Terrace...he is in the palliative care here.

It has been such a turn around, I am amazed each day how well he is doing.

We still don't know what the future holds, they have extended his life expectancy to 3 weeks...but he is such a fighter...and I know God still has a plan.

We take each day as a gift!!

Ron's Journey

Ron will be joining the Lord soon.

The doctors have said he only has about 5 days left. He became very ill over the weekend and declined very quickly.

I know I will see him again, and I know that he will be at peace.

Christmas

Well there hasn't been much to write about lately, Ron is feeling very good through his radiation and chemo.

I thought I would write about our Christmas. Well we didn't really have one...so to speak. On December 23rd was when Ron was flown by air ambulance here and when we left home to come here. We didn't know how long we would be here, I did bring a couple of gifts for Michaela and Ron to open on Christmas, but everything else was left behind.

Christmas Eve was spend at the hospital (well I did have to get some clothes to wear...that was the fun part). But no Christmas Eve service, no opening new jammies, no reading the Christmas story...just leaving Ron at the hospital and going to my MIL's place.

Christmas morning we got up and went to see Ron, we brought the presents to open...we did that in the lobby of the hospital as Ron wanted to get out of his room. People who seen Michaela would ask if Santa came, we'd told her that Santa came to our house in Terrace and left her present there because it was too big to come here...she was fine with that and would explain that to everyone. Ron's parents came and brought some snacks and we just sat in the TV room and visited with each other. Ron's mom and I went to the cafeteria for a $3.00 turkey dinner (and it tasted like a $3.00 turkey dinner). Ron felt okay, but he was still pretty sick...I hated leaving him again. That night I went to stay at my nieces condo...just Michaela and me...I really needed some alone time at that point. That night I was so tired, physically and mentally...this was the best gift for me.

It was tough for me, Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I love getting prepared for it...I love spending time with my family. It was hard to believe that it was even Christmas, you just go through the motions. I still had the worry of what Ron's biopsy would show, what was going to happen after it.

I know Christmas isn't about presents, food and commercial things...I know it is to celebrate the birth of our Saviour. Not sure where I was going with this post, I guess it was just how this Christmas wasn't like we had planned and I did get through it. I didn't enjoy it, but I'm pretty sure even if it were a different day I wouldn't have enjoyed it either. I would drive past houses decorated and wish that were us back home again, how nice it would have been to have our traditional Christmas...God willing that will be next year!!

Home

Well I'm really missing home right now. I can't sleep tonight, so here I am...I'm tired of doing my cross stitch. I miss our cat, I miss our friends, I miss my family, I miss my bed, I miss my laundry room (mostly because I don't have to save up change to use it like I do here)...I think you get my drift.

Today we went to church, it was a great uplifting church...but not home. This is a big church, there are 4 services (2 on Saturday evening and 2 on Sunday mornings) and the one we went to was full. It was different, the praise and worship was awesome (just like home) but the message was a video...it was a great message but I missed having a real life pastor in front of me. I guess it is what I'm used to, next week we are going to the Saturday service when they tape the message. I guess the fact the Michaela didn't go to Sunday School and was fidgety during the service may have affected how I felt during it.

Ron and I were talking tonight about things now...it seems like forever that this has been going on. Like our lives are now divided, before cancer and after cancer...maybe it will feel different when we get home.

I think it seems so strange because we left so suddenly...I mean I had to ask my sister to take out the garbage and run the dishwasher so I wouldn't come home to a smelly house. That is how quickly we left, I guess with everything going on I haven't really had the chance to think too much about home.

I don't want to complain too much about being here, we do have a good motel suite, lots of family close by...oh and after Ron's first week of treatments he is feeling great!!

Anyway I'm going to try and get to bed now, and if you wonder why I listed missing the cat before my family and friends it is because we hear from our family a lot but the cat never calls!!

GOOD NIGHT!!

Just the Beginning

Well Ron's treatments started yesterday. He is having daily radiation and chemotherapy, this was his second day and he is feeling pretty darn good. I'm praising God for that and we pray that he will continue to feel so well.

He is so positive that it is hard to imagine what is going on in his body, I love his attitude.

We have been really open with Michaela during this, she is aware that her daddy has a tumour in his head and it was giving him headaches. She now knows that the doctors are going to shrink it and then daddy will be all better. Wow I wish life were that simple!! She loves to go to the cancer clinic because they have great toys to play with, the people there are so nice.

My sister and BIL are here this week visiting and are such a wonderful couple, they are so Godly and such a spiritual connection for us. We have had a great time with them, my BIL as an elder in his church has anointed Ron with oil and prayed over him...such a powerful statement of faith.

I know that God can heal Ron, I have no doubts about it...He is all powerful. If it is His will then this tumour will be gone in an instant...I know that God has a plan for us.

Well that is about it for today!!

Selfishness or Sanity

Sometimes going through this I just want to run away. Yesterday was one of those days, I just wanted to have some time to myself. It started with a run to the drug store to pick up some cold medicine for Michaela and pain killers for Ron. I was also planning on attending church this weekend for the first time in a month...being away from home can be so hard. I had gone to a women's group called Take a Break last Thursday and it was so awesome. Michaela was able to go to a child's group at the same time and we both really enjoyed it. So I had planned on attending this church, they have Saturday evening and Sunday morning services. But Saturday evening we were going out for dinner with Ron's brothers as they were heading home the next day. Turns out Saturday morning my niece had come into town to take Michaela to a gymnastics competition to watch in the morning...which means I will be watching it as well....this means no church for me this week.

So many days are like this and mostly I don't have a problem, I love taking care of Ron while he is hurting I want to be a comfort to him during this time. I want my daughter to have fun things to do while we are so far from home and all things familiar, even though she doesn't know what is going on she knows daddy is sick.

When I have my selfish moments I pray for patience, God did give me my time yesterday. My brother and his family came into town in the afternoon and we went out together and left Ron and Michaela at home to nap together...it was great. I love spending time with them and sometimes I really do need to get out on my own.

I guess I shouldn't call them selfish moments...more sanity moments. Even though sometimes I do feel selfish taking some time to myself I always feel much more refreshed after it...and feel that I am better able to take care of my family.

Even Bad Days End Well

Okay yesterday I had a bad day...only my sister knew this. I try and stay positive and happy around Ron and his family. I'm so thankful that I could open up to my sister...have I ever said how much I love my family!!

I picked up some insurance forms that Ron's oncologist filled out and on the way back "home" I was looking over them...seeing and hearing things are completely different. I know what the Dr's. have said about Ron's prognosis...they don't say good things. Seeing what they think in writing was so much harder for me.

After we got back my sister and I went out for a walk, I told her what the forms said...basically that the median survival rate for someone with his cancer is 18 months and where it asks for his return to work date...never. I know Ron doesn't read this so I can say these things, I didn't want him to see these forms. I'm sure some think that was wrong but I really want to keep some negative things away from him, he attitude is so good I think seeing that the doctors don't think he'll ever be able to work again would be demoralising.

Now I must say that we are very positive about Ron's chances, he is a strong and healthy young man...have I told you all that he is only 36. Most importantly, somethings that the doctors don't take into account is our faith. There are hundreds of people praying for Ron, God is amazing and can do the impossible and I have stated openly to God that I EXPECT A MIRACLE!!

So I may have my down times where I let myself be sad, I always make sure that these times end with prayer and the assurance that God is truly guiding us through this journey.

My bad day did end well, we had a visit from a wonder spiritual leader down here. We talked and he counselled us and we all prayed together and felt the Lord bless us.

God's Blessings

I'm sure people will wonder what blessings we could have in our situation. We have had so many, we see the hand of God working every day in our lives.

When Ron was first diagnosed they were searching for a neurosurgeon who could operate on Ron (remember this was over Christmas), we were so fortunate they found one in Kelowna...instead of say Vancouver. We have family here as I stated in my first post, my brother also lives close by and I've gotten to spend a great amount of time with him and his family.

We found our motel with a great affordable rate, it is close to the cancer centre and it even has an indoor pool with makes our daughter Michaela so so so happy!! Oh yeah and it is a really nice place too...full kitchen, separate bedroom...all the comforts of home.

A big one for us is after we cashed in an RRSP we had a bit of extra money and I was able to get a belated Christmas present....my new laptop!! It was a great price and we are thrilled with it...oh and it gives me the ability to blog again!!

I'm not working and can spend all the time we need by my husband's side, his dad and step mom are retired and have been close by the whole time (when the weather is better they are bringing their motor home here).

My family is amazing, I'm the youngest of 8 children and I love them all so much and they have all been the best friends I could ever ask for. My sisters went in a cleaned up my house and have taken down my Christmas decorations...and even packed some extra stuff to send down to us (packing and doing laundry at midnight you tend to forget a few things). My big brother and his wife drove our van here so we'd be able to have our wheels (and I can even drive around here...okay I've gotten lost a few times) it is so nice to have a little piece of home with us. My sister has taken charge of our beloved Dixie Cat...she assures me that she is taking very good care of her. My sister and her husband who live on Vancouver Island surprised us with a visit and my BIL who is an elder in their church was able to anoint Ron with oil and pray over him...they have been such a great spiritual support for us.

We have had such support from our close friends with words of encouragement, prayers and even care packages (thanks Laura). Our home church has also been such a support to us, on elder has a brother who pastors a church close by and he has visited us, they have even offered to send our pastor down to spend some time with us...so touching.

As you can see we have so many blessings that I can't even list them all, we are strong in the Spirit and know that we are loved.

God is good and has blessed us in many ways that we can't even see, we will be finding a church to attend while we are here and know that God will continue to bless us. Most importantly He has given us the strength to get through this time together as a family, we have been strong through the stress and positive during times when we could have given up. We are all weak but our strength comes from God who we lean on every minute of the day!!

The Beginning

Well I'm going to change my blogging (not that I've been doing any for the last few months).

I've decided to blog about our journey through this time in our lives, it isn't fun, it isn't pretty but it is our lives right now.

On December 22, 2006 my husband Ron was diagnosed with a brain tumour, probably the most shocking news I've ever heard in my life. The next day we were 1,300 kms from home where he could get the medical care that isn't available where we live.

December 27th he had the biopsy and we found out it was inoperable and malignant...I couldn't control my tears. The next day he was released from the hospital and had an appointment at the cancer centre here in Kelowna, BC. We spent the next little while with Ron's mom who lives 45 minutes away from Kelowna.

On January 10th we arrived at the cancer centre for his appointment, we knew we would hear the final verdict...we were feeling very positive when we arrived. We sat with the Radiation Oncologist as she told us that he had a grade 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme...this is very bad. They can't get rid of the tumour, they can only try and control it.

I can't even describe what it felt like hearing those words, this man is the love of my life, the father of our beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter and I'm being told that he only has a 25% chance of being alive in 2 years. I think I'm still a little numb...it is something I can't even comprehend.

His radiation and chemotherapy start on Jan 23rd and will go for 33 treatments (about 6 weeks), he will have chemo for 6 months and then we see what the tumour has done. He will have to see the medical oncologist every 3 months basically for the rest of his life.

We are still 1,300 kms away from home, we were so fortunate to find a great motel that has a wonderful rate for people having cancer treatment here. We have family nearby, Ron's dad and step mom are close by and spending each day with us (thank the Lord they are retired). I have a brother close by and a plethora of nieces all around here, also family who has been visiting us periodically.

We are so grateful to God that he has made that part of this journey much easier to bear. We have a strong faith that we know will carry us through this, we know God is holding us lovingly in his arms as we struggle.

I am blogging this for me, maybe some of you will get a little out of it. This has been a life changing time in our lives, something that I would have never thought would ever happen to me and yet here I am.